Well, I have had all kinds of ups & downs this year that many times I felt this fatigue that I cannot even begin to explain. I often felt drained of energy, will, spirits. Many times I felt tired or exhausted, and I had several health issues. Other times I would go from an extreme of no energy to a complete flip to nervous energy, couldn't sit still, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat. There was often no explanation for it. I would wonder if it was my food, drink, water, or was there something bothering me? But, even when I would find things that seemed to be something I could address, it could still happen anyway...
but, I found that whenever I was having this low energy, or high nervousness/anxious energy other people did also, and with no explanation.
So, on my down times, whenever I wasn't resting or exercising, I would do whatever I could to make myself feel comfortable.
So, I often turned to decorating which seems to really sooth my soul inside, but maybe also served as a healthy distraction from stressful things, like a job I had that I started in the summer.
I realize the beginning of this blog starts off as a bummer, but you'll see the good stuff by the end.
In the beginning of the year, 2015, my spouse was all up my ass, n breathing down my back to get a job, n my investments kept delaying. I'd also experienced ups & downs in my audiences in blogging & video blogging, which is normal. I was really fed-up with the whole thing of looking for jobs, because it kills ur soul. You have to make prettied-up lies to "sell yourself" and manipulate the interviewers into hiring you, and I utterly HATE IT.
I hate going into interviews n being judged on how I look, how I talk, what my resume looks like, how I answer cookie-cutter per-determined questions, and how you have to talk about how you're so awesome, and better than everyone, and use buzz words and talking points, and how they fake smile at ur face in fake warm voices, and shake ur hand like its supposed to mean something when inside they're lying to you. I just HATE IT.
I take issue w/the entire thing morally, ethically, philosophically, etc.
The Blue Collar Job:
Then, when you get hired, you get fed papers and rules, policies, and laws and told to be this and that, and "we care", and "you matter", and INTEGRITY, only go go on the job to find its all just words, no one cares at all, they break rules whenever it suits them, job titles are just titles, and if you actually have a principles & integrity they will either try to corrupt u, and push ur limits, or they resent you because u just existing not only makes them look bad, but they feel guilty inside... especially because ur nice, kind, helpful, caring, and you can even make a point and they agree its right. But, they still hate admitting to themselves they were wrong, or know better. So, they flip-flop make up lies about rules, or do this, don't do that... when this boss is around, behave this way, when not, then behave another way... sales were important, and not you... make promises about training but never deliver, and blame you for their deliberate faults, and not keep their ends of promises, or their own actual responsibilities, and things like integrity... The bottom line, was "the bottom line" (money).
Add onto that things like, subtle racism, closet racism, sexism, and other forms of prejudices such as anti intellectualism, and you can see where I'm going...
I'd NEVER worked a blue collar job before, and when I'd gotten hired, I was supposed to be hired to do computer types stuff, and work with customers, and do customer service... however, they stuck me on labor, and kept screwing up my training. They broke all kinds of safety laws, and it was incredibly toxic. I STILL have skin issues from working there. And I had a persistent fungal infection in my feet & crotch that just WOULD NOT GO AWAY! I was also told to my face, pretty much, that I was an unattractive woman. And, yes the uniforms were not flattering at all.
They NEVER got me my uniforms even tho' all the new people, including hires after me, got their uniforms. I asked every week. I also was moved from 1 location to another, which was the original one I was supposed to start with. A boss got canned. Mentors didn't mentor, in fact THE store registered mentor was a self described "violent kid" and an MMA fighter of sorts according to him. WTF?
At another location, people went from very warm to me, to suddenly, and completely COLD as ICE to me, because no one wanted to actually help me. Plus, customers would actually come over to me and tip me in cash.
When I'd first gotten hired I was SO HAPPY, and like one usually feels when they start a new job, they feel happy... but, then reality sets in and orientation is over, and you find out it's bunk, you don't actually matter, and just sell things and be a robot, or an ego maniac in some cases...
Well, after being bullied in such a way as to make it seem like it was borderline or not crossing the line, I'd just about had it... so, when some bosses tag teamed me, and one began ranting "Bitch! Fucking bitch! Mother Fucking bitch! God Damned Bitch! Bitch!" and stomping around, and throwing things, i thought he was dissing a customer... but, he seemed utterly jovial when she was in the room w her, that I thought perhaps he knew her.... I was really confused... then, I realized he just hated me. they blamed some negligent thing of oil on me, which had NOTHING to do with me, and if a manager was actually responsible and paid attention to what they were doing instead of ordering me to do different things every 10 seconds, then be like: "Why didn't you finish this or that?" then maybe you would've KNOWN to pay attention to a friggin' Hybrid car since ur supposed to be responsible....
So, when my boss told me to just go home, I walked out FOREVER. I walked all the way home, and phones the head administration.
And, all of that was because I told one of my bosses I got a 2nd job that was on the weekends that paid higher than that job.
Then, my 2nd job also went sour. (White Collar)
The boss "went on vacation" or was "unavailable", which is what I think they call getting canned. getting the drug tests and tax forms was a pain in the ass because they breathed down my neck to hurry up! Then, once it was done, I heard nothing from me. Their head office was on the West Coast. And, they send me my iPad LATE, and my shirt/uniform last min.
They had a TERRIBLE time communicating anything to the employees, so people didn;t even know there were meetings or conference calls...
Despite the setbacks, I did really well at the job. I was so happy, that I was on a HIGH.
But, just when everything in my life was JUST PERFECT, the sky came crashing down on me.
At one location, I felt I was doing really well, and building relationships with the management of the location since my agency had a contract with them.
The following day, I was also feeling very happy. I walked in, and everything was going perfectly. I was called into the back and told that location's staff was in the back and ready for me, and to just go in. All the employees at that location were very nice to me, treated me with respect, and were so helpful.
So, I sauntered to the back, and everything went really bad.
At first, I noticed everything was a mess, and nothing seemed ready for me at all... even tho' I was Just told "they are waiting for you" and that everything was ready for me. But, a man told me he was busy and that I would have to wait.
So, I politely and professionally acknowledged this and told him it was fine, and that I could wait, and do whatever he had to do. However, my professionalism, and politeness seemed to set him off, and within a moment after barking at someone to do something with toys, he shot over to me and started verbally abusing me. He accused me of being late, and other nonsense.
I addressed his issues, professionally, and calmly, but this seemed to set him off even further.
Next thing I knew they were surrounding me, and glaring at me. the man was raving mad, he was shaking, spitting when he talked, sweating, balling his hands into fists, and voice quivered & quaked, and he was going practically epileptic. I stayed as calm as I could, but I was literally scared for my very life because it looked like at any moment they would grab me, and jump me. I was SO SCARED.
They tried to throw me out out the store 3 times, but I used my quick whits & negotiation skills to still be allowed to finish my work on the floor that day. But, basically, some other dirty, gungy, junkie, hipster, whom I'd never met, for my same brand, but through a different agency had been doing bad things, dirty things, destructive things, or showing up at the wrong time slots, and he was blaming me, and me as the whole brand for it.
I could NOT get ahold of my company the whole day, and when I did the right thing by addressing it to my company, they didn't even want to deal with the issue, and made up some lies about the previous day before when I'd worked at the other location, and made up all these lies, and changed stories, and made no sense at all.
Other Stressing Matters:
To top it all off, there was a HUGE problem with racism: subtle racism, closet racism, denial about racism, and full on racism. So, a TON of bigots HAD TO GO. I tried to address the issues, calmly, coolly, but they flew off the handles.
Not only that, but I also became agnostic and an apostate, which made me persona non grata, because I actually spent the whole year, driving my family crazy, by reading the entire Bible front to back with audio books, and lectures that disturbed EVERYONE. it was HORRIBLE. I knew the Bible had bad things in it, and I'd read it many times before, just not fully front to back, nor cross referenced different translations. It was AWFUL! I kept wondering: WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF? Because it's SO UPSETTING! It's almost as tho' I was punishing myself, or had some kind of masochistic side. Not only is it FULL of PORN, really bad porn, but it's UTTERLY GRUESOME, PSYCHOTIC, and even the New Testament is OFF THE WALL! DON'T EVER READ IT OR ELSE YOU WILL KNOW WHAT IT SAYS!
I felt PHYSICALLY ILL.
So, because of THAT many of my biological family, or other close people REALLY shunned me... especially since there was this yuppie trendy new fad of "being religious" in 2015. You couldn't just tell me some MADE UP bullshit about the Bible, because NOT ONLY did I ACTUALLY READ IT, but they didn't like it AT ALL if you opened their OWN BOOK and read it too them word for word and PROVE whatever their church told them was a lie.
To top it all off, people would assume I was an atheist or anti-theist and I'm not. In fact, there's MANY of them I can't stand, since I'm NOT philosophically a materialist, nor a determinist.
Some people told me I should shut up, or not discuss any of this publicly, as tho' some kind of good advice.
I thought: Why? Why should I shut up? Why shouldn't I tell the truth?
I'm not wrong, they were. I'm NOT wrong to point it out either.
That's how victimizes keep doing what they do. -because no one speaks up. WELL I DO.
it's even weirder when u get criticism on this from someone known for being a truth teller, and having gone through similar things.
My Old Wreath I made with my daughter when she was a toddler.
The Bright Side
Well, despite the bad thing, good things still happened. Marriage Equality happened!
So, even tho' just to start my new job (the Blue Collar One) I had to go into debt because there were so many THINGS I needed. I did get a ton of good things! (I'm still paying my credit card off tho'.)
And, my spouse would actually buy me some small things.
I sometimes seemed to just "manifest" stuff.
So, I wanted some pumpkin shaped cups that looked like pumpkins, then next thing I knew I was walking around Walmart, and they had some, on sale! So, Mr. Wang just up n BOUGHT THEM!
I loved them!
I also managed to get the seasonal limited pumpkin spice teas & coffee at Trader Joe's, which usually sells out fast, but we got them twice!
The Pumpkin Spice coffee!
The Pumpkin Spice Rooibos TEA!
Rooibos is one of my FAVORITE teas from Africa!
All kinds of goodies!
Pumpkin butter, Apple Cider, and other stuff as well... I was on a pumpkin theme kick!
There was also a Pumpkin pitcher at Walmart, which he didn't get at first, but since I'd picked up extra hours at one point in the fall, I told him I wanted to get it, so he surprised me and got it for me!
So, I drank quite a bit of tea or coffee when I wasn't working...
I gotta tell YOU, I am SO GLAD I DO NOT HAVE THAT JOB ANYMORE.
Another thing I went utterly CRAZY for in the summer was TRYING so hard to get my hands on these limited edition lipsticks by Covergirl for Star Wars.
I DO NOT KNOW WHY , but 2015 was like a CONSISTENT issue with botched online orders, delays, and setbacks, including faulty website programming, and even getting overcharged for things.
EVERY TIME! And, since it KEPT happening, I'd take forever to order something, by making sure I was thorough, methodical, paid attention to each detail, and STILL a SNAFU every time! I constantly felt like:
Damned if you do, and damned if you don't, or: No good deed goes unpunished.
Well, I took my daughter out shopping to get some stuff at Bath & Body Works, which was like a LUXURY for me, since I wasn't middle class anymore.
When i got there, the mall was having a job fair, and I met a head regional manager for Victoria's Secret. I realized I wanted to be feminine really bad, because my current job was killing me, and I wanted OUT. Mr. Wang said he thought you had to be a young and a model to work there, but she said: Oh, no! that isn't true at all. So, I interviewed with her, and had 3 really great interviews! I actually thought they were going to hire me, but on the last min' I got a reject note postcard sent to me from out of state. Oh well...
I got 2 candles, on sale, with coupons, and it still cost me a lot, because we also got perfumes & lotions. We also got free ones.
My favorite one is called "Leaves" which was their #1 best seller.
But, just before I did that, I got some new lanterns.
They look Moroccan, but they are from India.
I think it's supposed to be Siddhārtha Gautama the original founder of Buddhism.
No, I'm not a Buddhist because I eat meat, but I like many Buddhist practices and meditations. I've read a number of sutras in bits n pieces over the years, and even read the Xi You Ji.
Right now, it's in my bathroom, because it's an air freshener. This one is white mother of pearl. They had many colors, but I went with this one. ^_^ I quite like it.
He finally gave in after Thanksgiving and bought me one for Christmas! I was SO HAPPY! He still wrapped it n stuck it underneath the Christmas tree tho'.
Mr. Wang likes to hunt for antiques with his friend and often times business associate Mrs. E. Wang (no relation). So, he often scouted yard sales. There were lots in the fall.
So, he gave me this copper pan which I removed most of the tarnish from. The little cactus was a Father's Day gift.
I also got this Kissing Krystal from Kohl's the day that was my last day working at my last job, THE DAY I almost got jumped, and was verbally abused.
But, I STILL wanted the BIG LANTERN at Pier 1 Imports really bad! Somehow I managed to get a bunch of gifts this year, often with some kind of SNAFU attached that caused me to get even more stuff, often free, or I'd return stuff, and STILL get more things.
Well, I had all this cash, so Mr. Wang kept flip-flopping about whether I could get it or not. Finally, he said, AGAIN, that I could, but the free shipping cost coupon didn't work, so I couldn't get the medium lantern. I felt I was WAY OVERCHARGED for shipping also. But, I just REALLY wanted that BIG lantern.
I tracked the package, and waited all day for it. But, no buzz at my door. When Mr. Wang came home from working he showed the large package. I was very excited! But, I thought it was odd that they didn't buzz me...
Then, when I opened the package I found out WHY they never buzzed me... I think they KNEW it was BROKEN.
2 of the panes of glass were shattered. Also, there was no packing INSIDE the lantern chamber, and there were fastening pins that were left unfastened, and the glass was messily cut.
I was stunned & shocked at first. I thought maybe it was just cracked, but NO, it was busted. My beautiful lantern is broken!
So, I had to call the customer service number. They not only refunded my shipping charges totally, but, they're sending me a new replacement... still waiting on that...
When I'd examined it, I figured out what happened. There were flaws in its construction, plus it wasn't properly packaged, and marked as fragile, so UPS was rough it, the glass came loose and busted. So, it was a combination of complex compounded negligence.
I thought that when I'd call customer service they might fight me, or maybe send me some replacement glass panes... but, they said they're sending me a whole replacement. That's fine too.
So, perhaps I will decorate my house this weekend, after we put the Christmas tree away.
Well, since we've gone from Summer into Fall, then into Christmas, what they hey, why not keep going?
I kept getting free stuff, free coffees, or free money from Starbucks. My niece also gave me a very nice quality cup from Starbucks with a gift-card on it.
Since the weather was so warm, I often took walks down the street to Starbucks and I saw the most beautiful colored skies, sunsets, and foliage.
At Michael's crafts/art supplies they had all kinds of special fancy coffee cups so u could DIY ur own fancy cafe looking coffee from home!
Oh, and here's some free stuff I got at Panera Bread! I randomly got a free bagel, and they also gave me a free coffee reward!
Not just Trader Joe's (MY FAVORITE) but BODY BUTTER! OMG! LUXURIOUS!
My Aunt gave us all kinds of goodies! Really great stuff!
So, I pretty much didn't even pay for this (even tho' I did).
I also had a weird SNAFU when I got awarded a $15 giftcard from Sephora. The order was botched, then,when I called customer service I had 2 orders. So, I got 2 packages. I returned the double items, got refunds, but got extra freebies anyway, and gave some gifts to my daughter & my spouse. Plus, there's a new Sephora like 10 min away from my house now, and I'm only about $4 away form being a V.I.B. member.
It might've been a crappy year, and a stressful year, a year of needless setbacks, and frustrations, but I still got a bunch of good things too. (and bad haircuts) LOTS of surprises also!
Either that, or the universe is drunk at the wheel and swerving....
Seriously, Universe! Just hand me the keys, OK? U need to get urself sober n let me drive. Ur a mess.