I'm not a stoic (philosophy) I actually liked some of the ancient cynics (sect of philosophers) altho' I think Diogenes of Sinope was gross, he was rather brilliant. In modern times "stoicism" & "cynicism" mean different things than they originally meant. What one generally thinks of as stoic, is this emotionless, bland, boring, or plain thing. Honestly, I utterly hate this! Altho' I often am a person deep in thought, or dream, i value happiness quite a bit more than you know.
There are just SO MANY sad things of my life, or experiences, that are just utterly sad, depressing, painful, harsh, cruel, stressful, or heartbreaking that it rubs me so awfully for people to recall me as some crying woman, even tho' there's many times I have been a back-stabbed, grief-stricken, victimized human being... I'd so much rather been remember smiling, joking, or laughing. And, I'm being incredibly honest and vulnerable here.
It is so ironic, because I have so often chosen burdens, sufferings, scrutiny, and tribulations on behalf of others, because I just CANNOT stand to see OTHERS suffer whom don't/didn't deserve it. And, even tho' I HATE fighting, and would prefer to resolve or reconcile issues/problems its a point on present time, where I find I'm THE person whom fights from a unity of my heart, mind, and soul.
And, if I didn't speak up, I just couldn't live with myself.
People hate me for being an artist, and shun me for that and would say "Why don't you do other, better, things with your time?" But, when I actually DO JUST THAT, such as have the nerve to be a functioning, mature, human being with a strong mind, intellect, and pleasant temperament, they hate me even more... because from me, its genuine. I like to think of my work as both thoughtful and heartfelt or full of feeling/emotion.
I like to use my hands, arms, or different postures. I don't want to be a rigid stone statue, even tho' many people might actually describe me at first to be cold, statuesque, or stone faced. I'm not. I'm strong in some ways, and very soft in others, but I also feel my softness is a strength, and that rigidness can be a weakness.
I want to feel alive.